Cat Tide Showcase Teaser Trailer

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The Rookies of 2014 Pt 2: A Glimpse into Mystery of Zun

A small boy named Prum wipes the dust off an old Gateway computer screen. The screen illuminates behind his fingers to reveal a webpage that hasn’t seen the light of day in a while. What does it say? He reads out very slowly (not because of the dusty screen but because it has been a long time since he has read words), “North…..side…..Engineer’s….Club?” These words have not been read out loud since last years post when the blog was awarded the honor of  “best college blog in ultimate” by SKYD here.

The Blog has been dormant for a little TOO long. Part of the problem is that my computer has having some malfunctions (the stack and the heap have been playing ring-around-the-rosie). With Santa Barbara Invite this week, I decided to post the extremely glitchy blog post (due to weird errors in the uploading process of the video) that I meant to post one year ago about a Rookie that is dear to my heart (and extremely… weird): Zun. There is a part where the screen goes black,  please ignore this weird iMovie-to-Youtube-conversion glitch and pretend that it is my artistic touch to the video like this scene in the famous 2013 movie Her.

There will be more janky blog posts this week. The blog will be committing to a quantity over quality mantra for this week. Embrace it!

Now…. drum roll please….. Zun!

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The Rookies of 2014 : Pt 1

The Road to Glory is an Autobahn Made of Hard Shell Corn: Das Taco

May 21, 1945 — A small boy was spotted in the lush green hills of Germany after the end of WWII in Europe. For 50 years this boy would wander the mountainous terrain of Germany. He was often seen by trekkers in the area. The legend was that he was the shunned member of the Von Trapp family that could not sing– so he was abandoned and left to wander in the wilderness of Germany for eternity.  A traveler we interviewed recalls sighting this child one night when the traveler was cooking over his fire:

“He [the Von Trapp boy] was lost. He [the lost boy] was cute. He [the boy] had HUGE NIPPLES. And he [the lost boy] had a very weird look on his face and a funny hat (depicted below).

Patrick Von Trapp Lerchi. Age 50.

On a trip to Germany for the”StringPheno 2013″ Conference in Hamburg, Michael Dr. Strangelove Hawking Girard (Theoretical Physicist 18th (?) -year Graduate Student and semi-famous Guitar Hero legend) found this ‘lost German child’ driving his Prius on the Autobahn at the speed of 65 mph. Mike originally pulled over to get the small german boy (not because he is a pedophile — his name isn’t Hansel) because he thought the small long lost Von Trapp boy was a Garden Gnome perfect for the alleged Garden Gnome Collection his alleged ‘Wife’ kept in his alleged ‘Home’.

Upon bringing this lost child back to the USA, the Von Trapp Gnome-Looking-Boy began to age again and thus began the life of World Renowned Ball Holding Champion Das Patrick Lerchi. He would eventually lose his triple Gold Medals in the Olympics due to talk of scandal between him and the balls of his Ball Holding competitors.

Das Verrückt Taco Lerchi during his world record Ball Holding match.

Pat Ball Holding Champion Lerchi is not known today for his Ball Holding, his numerous contributions to Geology, or his good looks. In an attempt to save face for his scandalous fall from Ball Holding fame, Pat Lerchi is better known for the video of him singing in car at a taco bell drive thru. In the video his horrid singing ability somehow caused tacos to begin flying through the windows and exploding. After a brief scientific study,  it turns out his awful voice was not poor singing ability but him singing in another language or ‘Taco Parcel Tongue”.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Pat Von Trapp Lerchi is in fact the man who’s  voice can make TACOS go LOCOS. He is now better known as Das Taco and plays a quieter sport than Ball Holding called Ultimate Frisbee.

Great Expectations: The Post Modern Old American Science Fiction Story of Andrew Pararrerogram Pirrip Pip (PIP!)


Andrew Pirrip or Pip was born sometime after 1800 and before 1850 somewhere on an island now called ‘England’. He was a sad small orphan raised by an awful and mean white older sister. At an early age Pip learned Agility (a Psychic type move that increases one’s Speed by two stages) in order evade his sister’s beating blows. The only descriptions of 1800’s Pip that I found online is that “he is small and not strong (wikipedia)” and 

He is called Pip because his “infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip (wikipedia).” ….Whatever the FUCK that means.

Despite his white family traditionally learning the blacksmith trade, Pip commited himself to going to medical school to become a successful doctor (because that is the Asian way). However, a strange turn of events including an awkward conversation at a party with an upper class girl named Estella, a stale loaf of bread, a brief appearance on a US Cartoon Show called ‘South Park’, and a Awkward Level reading of OVER 9000 detected in an Alien Time machine lead Pip into an intergalactic war among two planets of super small super sayan people.


Pip as a super sayan warrior after his super sayan training

The age long tale of Pip began as a story much like that of David and Goliath meets The Princess and the Popper meets South Park. In the end, it wasn’t about small overcoming big or personality over money. Instead ‘Pip’ represents a small person who is super fast and super swoll trained by intergalactic asian supersayan WARRIORS who ends up saving the galaxy and abandoning his intense anime past to play a mundane human sport– a sport that is experiencing minor popularity before it fizzles out called Ultimate at some high school in Chicago and now at Berkeley.

Ladies meet Vincent QB#1 Panty Dropper Delgado

Every teen movie has the hot QB-ONE who balls hard day and night. That character was invented by Vince’s life. He has that smile that makes the bros nod and hoes wet. He is a 9 time All American. He’s been married four times and been through divorce twice. He owns 3 houses on every continent. He benches 275 lbs when he’s cutting and runs a 3.6 sec 40 yard dash with a weight vest underwater with a single breath. He has a childhood video of him dunking a basket ball the first time he ever tried (which was the second time he ever jumped when he was 8). The first girlfriend he ever had was a married Victoria Secret model. When the model’s husband found out, he divorced the model without giving a reason. The next week he tried proposing to Vince.

Here are some pictures of Vince that are just definitive proof that he his number one. He is a whole package for anyone who likes a BIG package. No homo. Just mad respect.

Look ladies he is outdoorsy. He can go camping and hike and pitch a tent for you and carry your back pack and make fires and shit.



Below is a picture of him playing basketball. He’s Athletic and he plays every sport. He was the captain of every High School Varsity team in 3 different counties. Look at those guns. Large and defined and dark like a black majestic Persian stallion. The ladies wouldn’t mind posting up on this hunk.


Vince plays ball with friend. Shows how good he is with children. The boy he is playing had never played basketball in his life. After a 2 hour lesson with Vince, that same boy made the USA Olympic team.


So sweaty and hawt

Off the court and out of the bro tanks and pads, Vince cleans up. The first time he tried on a tux the store owner paid Vince to wear the suit. The second time he wore a suit, he was at a job interview. Needless to say Vince left the interview with a job and the company owner’s daughter in a car he bought by signing a dollar bill. After the age of 19, Vince was forbidden from weddings. There were too many instances of the bride leaving with him. Imagine walking down the aisle with a hand on THAT arm. #Classy


Here’s a peek under the hood of this sports car. Wait. What was that sound? Oh… That was just the sound of panties hitting the FLOOR.



To be continued…..

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Work Out Video Competition

This year the blog decided to have a Work Out Video Competition where players could submit videos of them working out all inspiring-like. No one could have foresaw that within the small pile of submissions, one would find the very first Work Out Epic Drama.

Yes! We have invented a new movie genre: Work Out Epic Drama.

Now, when you are procrastinating for finals or looking for something to watch to get you stoked for pumping some massive IRON that has a little more emotional depth than the shallow ‘get big and be the best’ pump up videos (that you’ve probably seen WAY too many times), look no further than the Work Out Epic Drama genre.

CAUTION: After watching your first Work Out Epic Drama, you may never be able to go back to those cheap quote-and-quote pump-up videos that you used to watch. This new Work Out Epic Drama genre isn’t just any other amateur iMovie compilation of pretty descent highlights with a tune sounds that get you fairly pumped (or funkilicious #NAST-E @KregNastyProductions #KregNasty2014). A Work Out Epic Drama draws the audience in with a Brechtianly surrealist comedy  dissolved in the shadows of Avant-Garde existential conflicts that shatter in the wake of an absurdist tragedy.

Shout out to Zane “the good, the bad, the ugly” Rankin for the masterpiece. You are a real movie making pioneer, ‘choreography genius’, and total babe!

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Who the Fuck is Tommy?!

The story that we have all been waiting for is here. Thanks to the janky movie making of UGMO Blog Productions, we get a chance to delve into the controversial and mysterious past of the captain and legend Tommy Adams. Finally we can begin to answer all the pressing questions of the Ultimate World:

Why did the great Andrew Olson (GSI) have to leave ultimate this year?

What really caused Carson’s concussion?

Where’s Rachel?

Who IS the 151st Pokemon?

Where has Tommy actually been this semester?

Can he be trusted?

Does he really know EVERYTHING about you?

Who is the fourth captain?

Who the fuck is Tommy?

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Let the Hunger Games Begin…

And let them be EVER in your favor…

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