The Road to Glory is an Autobahn Made of Hard Shell Corn: Das Taco
May 21, 1945 — A small boy was spotted in the lush green hills of Germany after the end of WWII in Europe. For 50 years this boy would wander the mountainous terrain of Germany. He was often seen by trekkers in the area. The legend was that he was the shunned member of the Von Trapp family that could not sing– so he was abandoned and left to wander in the wilderness of Germany for eternity. A traveler we interviewed recalls sighting this child one night when the traveler was cooking over his fire:
“He [the Von Trapp boy] was lost. He [the lost boy] was cute. He [the boy] had HUGE NIPPLES. And he [the lost boy] had a very weird look on his face and a funny hat (depicted below).
Patrick Von Trapp Lerchi. Age 50.
On a trip to Germany for the”StringPheno 2013″ Conference in Hamburg, Michael Dr. Strangelove Hawking Girard (Theoretical Physicist 18th (?) -year Graduate Student and semi-famous Guitar Hero legend) found this ‘lost German child’ driving his Prius on the Autobahn at the speed of 65 mph. Mike originally pulled over to get the small german boy (not because he is a pedophile — his name isn’t Hansel) because he thought the small long lost Von Trapp boy was a Garden Gnome perfect for the alleged Garden Gnome Collection his alleged ‘Wife’ kept in his alleged ‘Home’.
Upon bringing this lost child back to the USA, the Von Trapp Gnome-Looking-Boy began to age again and thus began the life of World Renowned Ball Holding Champion Das Patrick Lerchi. He would eventually lose his triple Gold Medals in the Olympics due to talk of scandal between him and the balls of his Ball Holding competitors.
Das Verrückt Taco Lerchi during his world record Ball Holding match.
Pat Ball Holding Champion Lerchi is not known today for his Ball Holding, his numerous contributions to Geology, or his good looks. In an attempt to save face for his scandalous fall from Ball Holding fame, Pat Lerchi is better known for the video of him singing in car at a taco bell drive thru. In the video his horrid singing ability somehow caused tacos to begin flying through the windows and exploding. After a brief scientific study, it turns out his awful voice was not poor singing ability but him singing in another language or ‘Taco Parcel Tongue”.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Pat Von Trapp Lerchi is in fact the man who’s voice can make TACOS go LOCOS. He is now better known as Das Taco and plays a quieter sport than Ball Holding called Ultimate Frisbee.
Great Expectations: The Post Modern Old American Science Fiction Story of Andrew Pararrerogram Pirrip Pip (PIP!)
Andrew Pirrip or Pip was born sometime after 1800 and before 1850 somewhere on an island now called ‘England’. He was a sad small orphan raised by an awful and mean white older sister. At an early age Pip learned Agility (a Psychic type move that increases one’s Speed by two stages) in order evade his sister’s beating blows. The only descriptions of 1800’s Pip that I found online is that “he is small and not strong (wikipedia)” and
He is called Pip because his “infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip (wikipedia).” ….Whatever the FUCK that means.
Despite his white family traditionally learning the blacksmith trade, Pip commited himself to going to medical school to become a successful doctor (because that is the Asian way). However, a strange turn of events including an awkward conversation at a party with an upper class girl named Estella, a stale loaf of bread, a brief appearance on a US Cartoon Show called ‘South Park’, and a Awkward Level reading of OVER 9000 detected in an Alien Time machine lead Pip into an intergalactic war among two planets of super small super sayan people.
Pip as a super sayan warrior after his super sayan training
The age long tale of Pip began as a story much like that of David and Goliath meets The Princess and the Popper meets South Park. In the end, it wasn’t about small overcoming big or personality over money. Instead ‘Pip’ represents a small person who is super fast and super swoll trained by intergalactic asian supersayan WARRIORS who ends up saving the galaxy and abandoning his intense anime past to play a mundane human sport– a sport that is experiencing minor popularity before it fizzles out called Ultimate at some high school in Chicago and now at Berkeley.
Ladies meet Vincent QB#1 Panty Dropper Delgado
Every teen movie has the hot QB-ONE who balls hard day and night. That character was invented by Vince’s life. He has that smile that makes the bros nod and hoes wet. He is a 9 time All American. He’s been married four times and been through divorce twice. He owns 3 houses on every continent. He benches 275 lbs when he’s cutting and runs a 3.6 sec 40 yard dash with a weight vest underwater with a single breath. He has a childhood video of him dunking a basket ball the first time he ever tried (which was the second time he ever jumped when he was 8). The first girlfriend he ever had was a married Victoria Secret model. When the model’s husband found out, he divorced the model without giving a reason. The next week he tried proposing to Vince.
Here are some pictures of Vince that are just definitive proof that he his number one. He is a whole package for anyone who likes a BIG package. No homo. Just mad respect.
Look ladies he is outdoorsy. He can go camping and hike and pitch a tent for you and carry your back pack and make fires and shit.
Below is a picture of him playing basketball. He’s Athletic and he plays every sport. He was the captain of every High School Varsity team in 3 different counties. Look at those guns. Large and defined and dark like a black majestic Persian stallion. The ladies wouldn’t mind posting up on this hunk.
Vince plays ball with friend. Shows how good he is with children. The boy he is playing had never played basketball in his life. After a 2 hour lesson with Vince, that same boy made the USA Olympic team.
So sweaty and hawt
Off the court and out of the bro tanks and pads, Vince cleans up. The first time he tried on a tux the store owner paid Vince to wear the suit. The second time he wore a suit, he was at a job interview. Needless to say Vince left the interview with a job and the company owner’s daughter in a car he bought by signing a dollar bill. After the age of 19, Vince was forbidden from weddings. There were too many instances of the bride leaving with him. Imagine walking down the aisle with a hand on THAT arm. #Classy
Here’s a peek under the hood of this sports car. Wait. What was that sound? Oh… That was just the sound of panties hitting the FLOOR.
To be continued…..